When you meet Mr. Right, fall madly in love, move in together and begin a life of untold bliss you are always faced with making a number of decisions together. Shared decision making problem solving are two of the key ingredients of any healthy relationship. It’s easy to make decisions together on homes and holidays but another equally important area to discuss in the beginning of any new relationship is will we be monogamous (have sex with each other only) or not. Often this topic is pretty difficult to talk about for most couples.

The choices about having a monogamous relationship or a more open style of partnership are yours to make only only you and your partner can decide what works best for you. Firstly don’t assume that you and your new found lover will automatically be monogamous - you need to talk about it. Maybe you’re the faithful loving ";only one man"; type and he’s madly in love with you but has never been in a totally monogamous relationship before and doesn’t know where to start. You need to talk and clearly state what you want out of your relationship and be creative in making an arrangement that suits both your needs and vulnerabilities. You need to be honest (but not cruel) and have possibly lengthy (but not boring) conversations. These conversations aren’t easy and sometimes you might need the assistance of a skilled counsellor to help you talk about your thoughts and feelings.

If you decide that monogamy is for you, that’s fine, but you can review this decision any time either of you feel like it in the future. Monogamy can strengthen relationships for some guys but don’t let it become a straight jacket for you. If either of you are becoming restless and want other sexual experiences you need to talk about it and make new arrangements which recognise the primary importance of your relationship, but permit some amount of sexual involvement elsewhere. Remember that many gay male relationships change over time, some start out monogamous, then become open and may go back to being monogamous later - the flexibility of gay male relationships is an asset that is available to you.

If you decide on a more open style of relationship, involving sex with others, it’s good to sort the difference between love and sex. Love between partners in a relationship is expressed in hundreds of different intimate ways not just through sex. Many open relationships are based on an emotional monogamy to one another while allowing sex with others to enhance and deepen the primary relationship that you share. It can be powerful and comforting to know that you and your partner can have sex with other men reassured in the fact that you both know that your relationship is secure and the emotional ties between you will not be challenged.

Couples in open relationships often develop a set of guidelines to increase their enjoyment without hurting each other in the process. These guidelines could be around only picking up guys for sex individually or together; only having sex with other guys together or not; talking with your lover about sex with other guys or not talking about it or agreeing that ";one offs"; are fine but having sex with the same person more than once in not fine.

Ways of having open relationships are guided by a sense of discretion and politeness towards your lover such as agreements about when, where and how sex with others happens. Of course these guidelines need to include some shared decisions around having safe sex with other guys outside of your relationship. Common guidelines here are around always having safe sex with casual partners and, importantly, feeling ok to tell your partner if unsafe sex does happen so you are both aware. Some couples only ??? with each other as they feel this is something special just for them but they are happy to have other types of sex with casual partners.

The choices are up to you to make and being honest about what you want and communicating your needs to your lover are the best ways of building a healthy, happy and safe relationship together.

by Greg Millan