Sex is easy but give me a warm lingering cuddle with a hot lovin’ man any day. That’s feels like intimacy to me but how is it different from really hot sex? Many gay men will describe intimacy as that very special feeling of closeness that only two men deeply in love can share. Others may argue that a high level of intimacy can also be attained between a few good men in an afternoon visit to the local sex club. It really depends on how you define intimacy.

I believe there is quite a difference between intimacy and sex and many guys can get quite confused in this area. Some believe that the only way to be close with another man is to get into his pants. The other extreme view is held by those guys who feel that getting really turned on means that you need to settle down with a loving partner. Both points of view restrict opportunities and can stifle personal growth and result in a hell of a lot of heartache.

What are the similarities between sex and intimacy? Both give you heaps of pleasure and are anxiety producing and the body signs can be the same like rapid breathing and increased heart rate. Both can produce feelings of excitement, intenseness, elation, passion and a deep sense of longing for the other person. It’s easy to see how the two get mixed up.

But they are very different. Most of us learn how to have sex before we learn how to be intimate with another person. Sex is very physical but intimacy involves the physical and emotional aspects of your being. When two guys are having sex together the main goal is to give pleasure to each other but intimacy can involve them in talking to each other about things they don’t want to hear or saying things which can be distressing to each other but the joy is in the sharing of that personal stuff. Sometimes having sex can and does lead to increased levels of intimacy but not all the time and not every time you have sex.

Some men get very thrown about by this mixture of sex and intimacy and decide to keep the two separate, never letting them come together in the one relationship. They can be very intimate with close women friends, gay male friends and non-sexual flatmates and have lots of hot sex with anonymous partners. Lots of gay and straight men can operate this way and there are many reasons why. Perhaps combining both sex and intimacy can raise the emotional stakes just too high for some guys. Being both sexual and close to another guy can make you feel more joyful, more jealous, and unbelievable angrier or sadder. These feelings can be just too intense for some guys or they may bring up past feelings that they still carry around with them.

But combining great sex and the warm fuzzies of intimacy in the one relationship can be pretty mind blowing and really satisfying. Having a partner that accepts you when things are not going so well sexually can give you that special feeling of being loved and needed.

It’s good to remember you have choices in your life. You can have a number of intimate relationships or just one, lots of sexual relationships and save intimate moments for friends or look for getting both your sexual and intimacy needs met by the one person. Experience both sex and intimacy, and be aware of the differences, after that it’s up to you.

by Greg Millan