What happens to a gay man when he turns forty? For some it’s just another birthday and for others it seems like the end of the world. Being forty can represent a huge turning point for a lot of guys. A time to stop and think about work, the future, friends, lovers and most importantly - purpose in life.

But reaching this age certainly doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy everything that life has to offer. Many men will tell you, and I agree, that your forties and beyond can be the absolute best time of your life. However our gay scene does have this rather biased fixation on youth and many fortysomethings can start to develop a strange sense of not belonging anymore to a scene that seems to be so constantly focused on guys in their twenties.

Our lives change and when we are younger, in our twenties, we spend time constantly on the prowl for something, a loving relationship, great sex, someone to recognise who we are or just constant partying. But as we get a little older and into our forties, we generally get more comfortable with who we really are and our friends, the ways we communicate with others and some sense of our spiritual existence become the more important things in our lives.

As a counsellor, something I often hear gay men in their forties and fifties say is how much the gay scene has changed. Well it may have a little around the edges, but basically it’s them who’ve changed not the scene. The bottom line is that they are getting older and many men find this transition to the next stage in life really hard to deal with. You can’t expect the gay scene to provide the purpose in your life forever. It simply won’t. There are far more important reasons to exist which have nothing at all to do with the gay scene.

Lets fact it, we are all getting older and it’s men in their forties and beyond who are now beginning to call the shots. This generation, my generation, of post-Mardi Gras baby boomers are changing the image of older gay men from ";sad"; to ";beyond glad"; for what we are - active, proud and outspoken. By changing our lives we in fact change the gay scene and the gay community we live in. If we can learn to stop holding on to the past and bemoaning a scene that isn’t for us any longer and move on to create the kind of scene we really want we can build a bright new future for us all.

The majority of gay men in their forties and older look are good at looking after themselves physically and mentally and are enormously attractive but sometimes they need to let go of what they see as fading youthful looks and come to grips with a set of physical and emotional changes that occur as they grow older. Put simply what you think about growing older may effect how you actually age. Guys who age the best are those who simply don’t worry about growing older, those who have a sense of humour and who don’t take life too seriously and those who have a deeper sense of purpose. It’s good to stay active and develop your own interests in work and away from work. Forward thinking people do much better than those who tend to dwell too much in the past. Friends definitely become more important in our lives as we get older as do lovers but some guys are also comfortable in being alone - not lonely or desperate, just comfortable with themselves and their friends and their social life.

Changing Lives is an exciting new workshop program, designed for all gay/bi men who want to know more about the joys growing older. Changing Lives looks at:

What physical and emotional changes occur as we grow older:-
How can we understand and overcome the impact of stress in our lives?
What is ";the mid life change"; and how does this apply to gay men?
What about our changing needs for intimacy and sex?
How will our sexual performance change over time?
How do we become more aware of our gay spirituality?
How do we connect more with ourselves and others and set up the social supports we need.

by Greg Millan